By Richelle Brito Carvalho
‘Love is great, Love is necessary. Love is beautiful. But love is not enough’- Mark Manson
We have all heard the phrase ‘ Love is all that Matters’, but is it the only ingredient to a long-term romantic relationship? Research highlights that there are quite a few things more important in a relationship than love alone.
According to Jennifer Rhodes, a licensed psychologist, author and relationship expert, “Love alone is simply not enough for a committed relationship to work.” That doesn’t need to strip us from being a complete romantic! When it comes to love and relationships, it’s all so much more complicated than the suggested polarity. If you’re only in the relationship because of the feeling of love, you are likely to feel that the relationship is either overlooking something, is stuck or is slipping away. As we grow we realize that a relationship requires a lot more effort, attention and acceptance.
What could be more important than love in a relationship then? Over time, being with someone, the goosebumps and the mushy feeling you’d experience would eventually subside. What keeps the relationship fire burning then?
Trusting Each Other Wholeheartedly
“Love cannot live where there is no trust”- Edith Hamilton
It doesn’t matter how much you love another person: if there is a lack of trust, it will be an issue that will resurface eventually. Trust is a crucial ingredient to a healthy relationship and a key indicator for experts when assessing a couple’s connection. When we think about trust, we often think about infidelity or cheating but in its entirety, it encompasses intimate and vulnerable information about your partner and a deep known certainty of safety and security! If it doesn’t come right away, there is help available to explore why you don’t feel secure or cared for, and look at ways to build trust together.
Respect: Need I Say More?
You would have heard or witnessed justifications, especially between partners that have shown traces of abuse “I stay with them because I love them.” This indicates how love can blind you to the reality of a bad situation, including being with someone who doesn’t show you respect.
As therapist Nancy Kislin, LCSW, MFT says, “Respect is all about honouring each other’s differences. “A couple doesn’t need to have the same interests or even passions, but they do need to have the capacity to understand the other. One must be present with their partner — without judgements, demands, and unreachable expectations.”
Retaining Your Sense of Self is Paramount!
Holding on to your autonomy in the relationship is just as important as you find ways to move as a couple. No amount of love is worth giving up the essence of who you are. It can be concerning if you get into a relationship and give up your goals, and interests and in the process lose the very core of your being.
Therefore, it is central to you to make an effort to hold onto those values that are fundamental to who you are. You can work with your partner to create time for things that are important to you and encourage your partner to do the same.
When in a relationship, we are often worried about losing the relationship or upsetting the other, however, it is helpful to open a discussion with your partner and include them in the decision-making process to a certain degree.
Focusing on your individuality will strengthen your connection, improve your self-worth, and renew your sense of purpose which in turn will help you comprehend that your relationship need not be your defining characteristic of being.
Relationship = Partnership, Isn’t It?
Isn’t it nice to feel like you can handle anything as a couple, no matter what life throws your way? Working on striking a balance when it comes to chores, emotional support and so on is essential to create the type of relationship that supports fair partnership.
While you can help each other out, and show love by stepping up when necessary and being supportive. One thing that helps to keep this partnership on track is regular check-ins such as ‘How are you feeling about our discussion last week?’, ‘Do you feel supported in this relationship?’ Are there any areas you need more support?’, ‘What are some ways we can stay connected when we are busy?’ Asking these questions from time to time can further strengthen the connection.
Honest Communication of Your Needs
Communication is vital when two or more people are involved in a relationship to set boundaries, express love, resolve conflicts, express your needs as well as engage in passionate sex.
Good communication is a tool that helps partners get to know each other and make room for personal changes. It allows room for discussion and clears out unrealistic expectations from each other. Good communication is going to be what makes things work long term which ensures that the couple is on the same page and can learn to move through challenging times.
Ultimately, any relationship comes down to the people who want to be together and make an effort to do things to grow in their relationship. There are many factors and past experiences that will shape the quality of your relationship but that doesn’t mean there is no room for change.
Enduring relationships come to those who value and care for themselves, and their partner and understand a relationship’s fragility. Nothing can last if you don’t take care of it, relationship included. So, when you are with someone, invest time doing things that build love alongside integrating values and beliefs that will strengthen the bond between you and your partner.
While you might feel alone in these struggles with your partner, these are experiences that many couples encounter but most often than not, they are shamed for talking about it.
There is help available if you need support to work towards gaining a deeper understanding of your relationship dynamic, receive an impartial sounding board, and create a space for you and your partner to bring up and navigate conflicts.
What is most important, is the willingness to repair the rupture in your relationship from both individuals.
Disclaimer: Some relationships are abusive in nature; physical, emotional as well as sexual abuse and in such cases one must seek a resolution and safeguard themselves. This article in no way supports tolerating abusive actions.
About the Author
Richelle Brito Carvalho is a Counselling Psychologist based in Mapusa. She is the founder of Wholistic Connect, an online counselling service. She also provides counselling services at Antarman, a psychosocial well-being centre, in Panjim She has done her M.Sc in Counselling Psychology from Roshni Nilaya, Mangalore.
If you are facing any psychological issues and wish to seek help, you may contact Richelle on:
WhatsApp: 9767969405
Email: [email protected]
Instagram: @wholistic.connect.counselling
